North Korea, Russia, Mars: Recommendations for the PM's next holiday

Britain teeters on the brink of collapse as multiple crises converge upon the nation like whole squadrons of mysteriously airborne chickens coming home to roost. Shortages of labour produce shortages of supplies to the point at which the word “shortage” seems barely adequate to the task.

Even a carefully hand-picked pro-Brexit Question Time audience (I don’t think you were supposed to stay that bit out loud, Fiona) begins to question whether it was such a great idea to abandon what they thought was the sinking ship of the EU only to watch that vessel sail merrily away while our shabby little liferaft springs leak after leak.

So what better time for our beloved leader to naff off on holiday again?

You may have detected a note of sarcasm in the last clause of that sentence but you would be WRONG. Wrong, I say.

Not only are there no good reasons for Mr Johnson NOT to go on vacation just now, there are many good – indeed, PRESSING – reasons why he should do just that.

It’s not as if our current prime minister actually, like, DOES anything, is it?

Apart from shamble up occasionally onto the floor of the House or in front of the TV cameras and crack some poorly crafted jokes, all the while keeping that I Seriously Cannot Believe I’m Still Getting Away With This look on his face, of course. His absence wouldn’t cause any major disruption to the running of the country, because “the running of the country” isn’t actually happening just now.

While Mr Johnson’s holiday leave appears to be unlimited, at the rate he’s using it he may run out of destinations. So with that in mind here are some new places Boris Johnson could visit on holiday…

RUSSIA
Now don’t tell me this isn’t a tempting proposition, prime minister. And NO, not for any of the obvious, tacky, post-Trump reasons. We know that all your previous visits have been entirely sober and diplomatic in nature and that any rumours to the contrary are foul smears spread by those who envy your fabulousness.

Treat it as an educational visit; since you’ve decided to live a life replete with indulgence and devoid of shame, you should go check out how REAL oligarchs party. Pick up some tips for how to lead the dementedly debauched existence you’ve always dreamed of, and maybe drop in on Vladimir to await further instructions (I’m KIDDING. Obviously).

While you’re there, see if you can do a deal for Russia to hook us into their international natural gas network; at the rate we’re running out of energy, soon you won’t have enough gas to light us all with.

NORTH KOREA
Not a lot of fun to be had here, but again, lots to learn: your PR messaging has been slipping of late. If you’re going to keep pushing a false narrative of patriotic triumph as the nation slides into medieval poverty, you might want to see how the PROS do it.

MARS
Okay, Boris, it’s money where your mouth is time! If you’re so convinced that Britain’s destiny lies in space then it’s time you led by example for the first (and only) time in your life. Get your ass to Mars!

There’s nothing THERE right now, of course; no food, no plant or animal life and no breathable air, but neither will there be in Britain soon enough, thanks to you and your Brexit-peddling chums. Take Carrie and (a selection of) the kids!

(Oh, and while I’m here; on behalf of science fiction fans everywhere, if you think slinging a few Brits into orbit would make us “Galactic Britain” then please Google what “galactic” means, you scientifically illiterate numpty).

THE REAL WORLD
If you wanted a TRULY new experience, Mr Johnson, you could always try visiting the world where the rest of us live. The one where you don’t get to go on holiday three times a year. The one where food and fuel shortages actually matter. The one where actions have consequences. The one where if you spend your life lying and bluffing, eventually people tire of you.
I’d send you a map, but we all know you couldn’t find it on one.

POEM OF THE WEEK
Fly away, Boris Johnson, fly away
You’re not making matters better if you stay
The country’s rather safer while you’re off on holiday
So fly away, Boris Johnson, fly away.
Fly away, Boris Johnson, fly away
Leave behind your trail of chaos and decay
It’s not as if you do your job, so off you go and play
Fly away, Boris Johnson, fly away.