A Theresa May impressionist just rewrote Kipling’s ‘If’ for the PM

Dead Ringers star Jan Ravens has delivered her most canny impression of Theresa May to date, impersonating the Prime Minister reciting an alternative version of Kipyard’s ‘If’ in the post-election episode of the Strong & Stable podcast.

The satirical podcast, also featuring Rory Bremner, Dom Joly, Johnathan Pie and David Schneider, aims to ‘look at the election with all the delicacy and refinement of a Donald Trump handshake’.

Read the poem in full:

If – By Theresa May (aka Jan Ravens)

If you can take a 20 point advantage,

And a Labour Party torn apart by Trots,

Then balls the thing up so absolutely,

The only thing that saves you is the Scots.

If you can have the right wing press behind you,

Blackening your foes with endless hate,

And yet you go from U-turn to disaster,

Perhaps you should have gone to that debate.

If you repeat your strong and stable catchphrase,

Till everyone would ram it down your throat.

If you can make a cyberman sound chummy,

And let people give Lord Buckethead your vote.

If you can’t handle pro-provo Corbyn,

And Farron claiming gay sex is a sin,

Nuttall with his Burkha-burning buddies,

Then, I’m sorry, you don’t deserve to win.

If you can take your core support for granted,

By starving them of cash for winter fuel.

If you can snatch away a kid’s free meal,

And slash the funding to their school.

If you can make a deal with mad extremists,

And claim that nothing’s changed for anyone,

Yours is Number 10, till Boris takes it,

And which is more you’re Theresa May, my son.