The letter Boris Johnson really wanted to send to Donald Tusk

Here it is:

Hi Donald, I’m f*cked. Help!

I was desperate to be world king; now I’m just world clown. I was at Eton with your foreign minister when you were running Poland. He says you do great face-savers for ex-Commie stooges, so I’m a piece of cake!

The problem is this. I never believed in Brexit and I said it wouldn’t work when I was mayor of London. To be really honest, I don’t believe in anything apart from myself so I didn’t ‘not’ believe in Brexit even then. But it was obvious it would f*ck the London economy and I was mayor and coming up for re-election, so that was an easy call to make.

I had to come out for Brexit to outflank Cameron in the 2016 referendum. I’d had enough of that w*nker outsmarting me ever since Eton, where I was top dog and wore the fancy waistcoat. I just wanted to be darling of the rabid Tory grassroots, who hate Johnny Foreigners, especially the Germans we beat in the war!

I then had to eviscerate Theresa May – remember her? – who had the temerity to deny me world kingship in 2016. All I could be was Foreign Secretary, a loo cleaning job as insignificant as prime minister of Poland – oops, sorry, I meant Luxembourg, Juncker’s place.

To finish off La May I had to come out against her deal with you, although I supported it in Cabinet when she negotiated the draft, including the Irish backstop, in December 2017. I even voted for it in that parliament thing where I have to make speeches which aren’t paid, which really annoys me.

Even worse, to get the Tory leadership last month against that creep Hunt, who slyly said he too was against the backstop, I had to say we would leave the EU ‘do or d*e’ in just ten weeks time. I meant dye not die – Etonians live on forever – but some people took it like this, so I’m in a spot of bother!

So how can you help? Well three things would be spiffing, my dear chap.

First, that backstop thingy. Could you just say you will give it up for now? Long enough for me not to have to ‘do or die’ at the end of October? Then we can, well, sort of put it back in again afterwards. We can call it the ‘backstop to the backstop’! That Murphy guy in Dublin – why has he got such an Indian name in the peat bog? – he’ll go along with it!

Second, can you say I was really tough! Not a pushover! That dealing with the Ruskies was a piece of cake compared to me. How about this: “I now know why he’s got that Russian name Boris and looks like Churchill!” Ha ha.

Third, that £39bn bill for the booze for the leaving party. Look, can you just sort of waive it for a while? I mean, what’s £39 billion – or is it million, all these noughts are so confusing – between friends? Those city chappies, they earn that much in a year! And they’ve promised me more than that if I can get rid of Brexit and pull out of all your silly regulations – sorry, I shouldn’t have told you that bit.

I know you have a slight problem with the frog and the kraut. Macron, he’s never liked me. Ever since I spilt red wine on the sofa and said it was cheap French rubbish. But we defeated Napoleon and he’s not a patch on that midget! He should just remember who saved their bacon in the war, when Paris was the brothel of Europe.

Merkel is a bit harder. She’s so impossibly nice and reasonable. And a woman! I can deal with people with two of those three weaknesses, but not all three. But she must have her price! Maybe half of Poland? Sorry, scrub that.

Anyway, let’s sort this out between friends. You know you can trust me. I’ve never kept a promise so far in my life, but I promise to try! Well, maybe.


Lots of love, Boris