Brex Factor – The losers and the losers from another week on Planet Brexit

News that Donald Trump won’t be visiting the UK after all has caused heartbreak in the Tendring peninsula, where former UKIP councillor Andy Pemberton was leading a one-man bid to lure the deranged orange racist to the Essex seaside as part of his planned trip.

Pemberton launched his campaign to bring Trump to Clacton-on-Sea – which he calls ‘the epicentre of the Brexit vote that gave momentum to his fantastic victory’ – with a petition begging Donald to stop by and preumably take in local sights like the Moon And Starfish Wetherspoon’s and the Jaywick Martello Tower.

Alas for Andy and the 168 others who signed up, this particular American dream has died for now.

Patrick Minford

The Sunday Express’ combined royal and political editor Camilla Tominey exclusively revealed that a ‘no deal’ Brexit would cost the EU £507 billion while making the UK £651 billion richer.

Alas, her source was not one of the Queen’s corgis but someone far less reliable – the Brexity economist Patrick Minford. He told Tominey that under a hard Brexit, GDP, running at just 0.4% in the last quarter, would improve to 9%, that Britain would rake in £433 billion in tariffs from hapless EU producers desperate to flog their goods to us even if it costs them money and that every UK family would get their own unicorn, which would defecate money.

Just a reminder that in 2016, Minford admitted to the Sun that his beloved hard Brexit ‘would mostly eliminate manufacturing’ in the UK, while in 1990 he told Mrs Thatcher than the hugely unpopular Poll tax which finished her premiership would be a vote-winner, writing ‘the Community Charge has much to commend it…. opponents underestimate the political maturity of the electorate.’

The White Pendragons

Asked to explain why they had disrupted a speech by Sadiq Khan to the Fabian Society, one member of this obscure pro-Brexit group told the cameras: ‘He’s taking our constitution out of the law. The law is not being uphelded. People are beholding to legislations and acts.’

So all perfectly clear then!

Nigel Farage

Hard times on the nicotine-stained man-frog’s lily pad, where poor Nigel – who ribbits constantly about being ‘skint’ – is having his European Parliament salary docked by £35,000. This represents money paid to Farage’s assistant Christopher Adams, who the EU are unconvinced spent 
many hours working on European parliamentary matters as he also happened to be UKIP’s national nominating officer at the time.

With a potentially expensive divorce looming, is Nigel really that hard up? According to his financial declaration to the European Parliament, he earns at least £8,500 per month from his LBC radio show and another £4,500 per month from other media appearances. Add in the £3,500 portion of his monthly salary which isn’t being docked and Nigel is currently scraping by on a mere £16,500 per month, or just under £200,000 a year.

Brexity Numismatists

Leavers who love coin collecting have been flocking to buy a Brexit commemorative crown, available on Ebay for just £4.99. On the heads side it shows King John standing on a map of Britain, which he never ruled, under the motto ‘Never Give Our Sovereignty Away Again’. This is odd since John did just that in 1213, when he surrendered the kingdom of England and Ireland to the Pope for an annual payment of 1,000 marks.

On the tails side the motto reads ‘I Voted To Get Back Our Sovereign Independance’ – using the French spelling of the final word. Still, a few careless errors are very much in the spirit of Brexit!

Warmongering Cheesemongers

MEP Steven Woolfe gave Michel Barnier a hamper containing British cheese so the EU negotiator could ‘fully grasp the powerful commercial position Britain occupies globally’. Meanwhile, Michael Gove called on Britons to become ‘more patriotic’ cheese-buyers after Brexit.

Yes, who needs Brie and Camembert when we’ve got Cathedral City (made, incidentally in Davidstow, which isn’t a city and doesn’t have a cathedral)? With our Dairylea Dunkers raised proudly to the skies, we will take back control!

Hnery Bolton

UKIP’s leader dumped his girlfriend after reading her messages and learning she was a racist. Just imagine what will happen when he reads his party’s manifesto!

Bill Etheridge

The West Midlands MEP resigned from the crucial role of UKIP’s sports spokesman in protest at Bolton’s conduct. How different from Bill’s own proud record on racism, which includes penning a book in praise of golliwogs, claiming in a speech that Hitler ‘achieved a great deal’ and launching his election campaign in an Indian restaurant to ‘put to bed once and for all’ the idea that ‘Kippers might just be slightly racist.

Peter Bone

The Sven-Goran Eriksson lookalike, Wellingborough MP and hard Brexit headbanger has long ‘delighted’ the House of Commons with quips about his wife Jennie. These include asking David Cameron in 2011 whether he would ‘satisfy Mrs Bone’ by ruling out taking part in EU bailouts.

Alas, the devout Christian has now parted with Jennie, 57, and formed a relationship with married physio and Brexiteer Helen Harrison, 45, who is 20 years his junior. Just a thought in these troubled times for ageing Brexity romantics, but has he checked her social media for anything untoward?

Boris Johnson

The portly Pinocchio has doubled down on his Big Red Bus lie, insisting the Leave campaign’s £350m figure which ‘we send the EU each week’ was too low. Later he admitted Britain got half back straight away and he had been using a gross figure – and a man who looks into Boris’ mirror knows all about gross figures. Boris was also called out for plagiarising a Remainer after he branded Sadiq Khan a ‘puffed-up popinjay’ for ruining Bozzer’s big day out in London with Donald Trump. It turns out the insult is a direct quote from JK Rowling’s Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix, said by Phineas Nigellus (surely a name-in-waiting for future Rees-Mogg offspring) to the titular wizard. That’s Boris all over: Thinks he’s Waugh or Wodehouse when he’s actually a minor character in a children’s book. At least he’s avoided calling Khan a ‘filthy little mudblood’. So far, at least.