Brexfactor: Silver linings abound as end nears for Ukip

Griffin has been declared a ‘persona non grata’ by the interior ministry in Budapest, shattering his dreams of moving to the country to join what he described in March as ‘a sort of nationalist emigre community building up here’. Now he is appealing – the first time that has ever been said of Nick Griffin.

9) Alan Piper

The campaign literature for UKIP’s candidate in Barrow and Furness, landlord of The Sun Inn in Coniston in his spare time, conjures up memories of another Alan P.

Best bit: ‘Alan’s a publican. Not a politician. Clarkson without steak. Get him in there and watch the fireworks.’ A-ha!

Piper has the other Alan’s well-developed sense of humour too. In May, Newsnight filmed him telling a meeting: ‘I have a daughter by the way. 14. If FGM stood for female gob manipulation I would probably be talked into it but it doesn’t.’ Well, if you can’t laugh about the horrific mutilation of more than 100 million women and girls, what CAN you laugh about?

8) Roger Helmer

What did you do on Bank Holiday Monday? UKIP’s sprightly 73-year-old candidate for South Leicestershire spent his day off contradicting himself on Twitter.

At 8.19am Roger was excited enough to retweet fellow Kipper Suzanne Evans claiming that a Financial Times report about steady business investment proved that Brexit was working.

But less than five hours later, at 1.33pm, he was batting away a query about when the NHS would start getting an extra £350m a week with the words ‘you may not have noticed but Brexit hasn’t happened yet – and won’t until 2019 at the earliest’.

Then how come we’re basking in the glow of all these Brexit benefits, Roger? It’s so confusing that you just want to shut your eyes and have a good think – as a certain East Midlands MEP once demonstrated while hard at work in the EU Parliament.

7) David Davis

The Secretary of State for exiting the European Union, whose job title is thought to be considerably longer than his plan for actually exiting the European Union, popped up on Radio 4 to assure listeners that the Conservatives have put together ‘over 100 pages’ on how to negotiate our departure with Johnny Foreigner after the general election.

But as others have already pointed out, what happens on the morning of June 19 when, with Jean-Claude Juncker waiting in the ante room, DD walks over to the typewriter where Theresa May has been working for several days, only to find line after line, page after page, reading simply ‘BREXIT MEANS BREXIT AND WE’RE GOING TO MAKE A SUCCESS OF IT’?

6) Paul Nuttall

Those who complain that the Twin Peaks revival is ‘too surreal’ had better avoid Nuttall’s final few days as UKIP leader before electoral wipeout leads to him being sucked back into the Black Lodge forever

The Wirral Walter Mitty’s attempts to position himself as a guardian of the nation’s health, deeply concerned that the burka stops Muslim women from getting enough Vitamin D, foundered when the UKIP manifesto backed removing VAT on fast food. Since then he’s called for Britain to start waterboarding (note to Paul: this is not the sport Swayze and Keanu were doing in Point Break) and declared himself ready to act as a state executioner, although presumably condemned men would be denied a hood to comply with his dislike of facial coverings.

Don’t be surprised if the next UKIP party political broadcast features Paul speaking backwards in front of some red curtains before announcing that he is being succeeded by a talking tree with a pulsing brain.

5) Janice Atkinson

In a reasoned response to the Manchester attacks, South East England MEP Janice – now an independent having previously represented UKIP – called for suicide bombers to receive the death penalty. ‘Many will argue that I’m calling for revenge killings. Others will argue that I’m inhumane,’ she said.

And others still will argue that suicide bombers might be a tad difficult to execute, but who needs pedantry when Janice and Paul are having such a swinging time?

4) The UKIP Van

Spotted when Paul Nuttall visited Grimsby, this familiar-looking yellow vehicle reminded all who saw it of another comedy character with a tweed cap and a tendency to exaggerate.

In a pay-off worthy of the great John Sullivan, the van – bearing a sign reading ‘Be Proud Of Our Country, Believe In Britain’ – turned out to be a Renault. Only Fools and Kippers…

3) Katie Hopkins

‘I am the Jesus of the Outspoken,’ tweeted Hopkins a few hours before her departure from LBC was announced. ‘I may be crucified for my sins… but I will rise again.’

And like that other prophet honoured everywhere but His own land, Katie’s Word lives on. Though Her sacking may have elicited whoops and cheers in the LBC newsroom, that’s not been enough for the station to pull her videos from its website, meaning browsers can still enjoy teachings like ‘Madeleine McCann will never come home’, ‘That migrant tidal wave is still coming’ and – Katie’s personal Sermon on the Mount – ‘If people are so fond of Islam, why not stay in Islamic Countries?’

Enjoy while you can before LBC eventually flushes the turd and all Katie’s finest moments are lost in time, like tears in rain.

2) Robert Hall-Palmer

Immigration. Banning the burka. A full English Brexit. UKIP election leaflets tend to be a little samey. Unless, of course, you read the one penned by their candidate in Nottingham East.

Here it is, in all its unedited glory: ‘The statue of Robin Hood was donated by the Clay family. The bow and arrow were often being broken off, my family legend goes my grandfather acting for the Clay’s came up with the idea of replacing the lower section of the bow and arrow in steel. The sun used to shine on this although it has recently been painted.

‘I would remove the upper bronze half and replace it with steel to complete and balance the statue. This is the sort of common sense I would apply to all problems in the constituency to bring improvement.’

What the Friar Tuck was all that about? Although it makes more sense than Littlejohn…

1) Nigel Farage

Gloomily told the Victoria Derbyshire show that his life was ‘hellish’ and that he is now ’53, separated, skint – yeah great, isn’t it?’

Yes, yes it is.