Comedian Mitch Benn looks at Donald Trump’s seemingly backwards trousers, Tim Martin’s demand for more EU migrants and Michael Gove’s trip to Portugal
“LEOPARDS EATING PEOPLE’S FACES” MOMENT OF THE WEEK
Tim Martin, arch-Brexiteer, boss of the Wetherspoons McPub empire and Worzel Gummidge’s Angry Head, has been bemoaning the fact that the staff he told to go get a job at Tesco’s when he closed the business down at the start of the pandemic appear to have done so, leaving his innumerable establishments short-handed now that he’s trying to re-open them. He’s demanding that the government reach “some sort of arrangement” with the EU so he can get back all those nice, conscientious and loyal European workers that he used to employ.
The fact that Mr Martin had the brass ones to say this in public, and indeed seems to perceive no contradiction between this and literally everything else he’s said for the last five years begs one question: is it too late for the Nobel Academy to establish a Prize for Cognitive Dissonance?
FASHION STATEMENT OF THE WEEK
In keeping with its newfound sense of social responsibility and/or respect for the truth, Facebook has extended its ban on the Definitely Erstwhile president Trump for at least another two years. One imagines Mr Trump reacted to this with his usual easy-going grace and good humour, and nothing should be inferred from the fact that the next time he appeared in public, addressing the Republican Party state convention in North Carolina, he seemed to have put his trousers on back to front.
I say “seemed” as nobody there present was sufficiently disloyal to dare point this out, but the ex-president may have been a) a victim of a trick of the light; b) was indeed wearing his pants backwards; or c) was pioneering a new style of suit-trouserage with no flies, which would seem to be tempting fate for a man of his advancing years.
If it’s b), what was the Not President Any More trying to say with this daring sartorial statement? Was he belatedly expressing his admiration for early 1990s child rap stars Kris Kross? Or just confirming his detractors’ accusations that he couldn’t find his arse with both hands?
In any event, it’ll be an interesting loyalty test for the glassy-eyed Trump acolytes of which the Republican Party increasingly consists; to see which of them embrace this bold new aesthetic and which pinko lightweights persist in wearing their trousers zip-forwards.
SHAMELESS PERK OF THE WEEK
A cruel surprise and disappointment awaited British holidaymakers travelling to Portugal last week, when they arrived at their sunny destination only to find that Michael Gove was already there. Oh, and then our government suddenly changed Portugal’s Covid safety rating, thus requiring them to quarantine for ten days upon their return.
How did Mr Gove cope with the ordeal of ten days in isolation, you may ask? If you DID indeed ask this, I can only marvel at your adorable naïveté. Since Mr Gove was in Portugal on essential government business (specifically, attending the Champions League final) he was exempted from quarantine and allowed to go on his way, having agreed to take regular Covid tests.
This is a bit of a shame as Mr Gove would probably have aced quarantine; one finds it hard to imagine he’s never gone ten days without anyone talking to him before.
HAPPY EVENT OF THE WEEK
Our heartfelt congratulations go out to the Duke and Duchess of Sussex on the occasion of the birth of the new daughter, Lilibet Diana.
Meanwhile, our heartfelt condolences go out to all the tabloid features editors and bloggers/pundits who had to hurriedly delete the word “not“ from the carefully composed articles which they had prepared about how Meghan Markle’s decision NOT to name her baby after the Queen and/or Princess Diana was a calculated insult to the royal family, deliberately intended to bring the humiliating end of our once-great nation one day closer.
And of course, our deepest sympathies as ever to Piers Morgan, who has had to endure yet another week of being Piers Morgan. Thoughts and prayers.
HINT OF THE WEEK
Hey, Labour, Lib Dems, Greens etc… Did you see how this week in Israel, the fragmented and cantankerous opposition parties managed to set aside their many differences and form a coalition to oust the deeply divisive but heretofore seemingly invincible prime minister?
Just saying, no reason.
POEM OF THE WEEK
We’ve had catastrophes systemic
And the worst of the pandemic
And come through in one piece, well more or less
But we can probably assume
That the nation’s finally doomed
If we let Dido Harding run the NHS.
We’ve not exactly thrived
But we’ve nonetheless survived
Our so-called government’s unholy mess
But at the risk of sounding rude
We’ll be well and truly screwed
If we let Dido Harding run the NHS.
Her disastrous “Track & Trace”
Was a profligate disgrace
And it’s neither inappropriate nor unkind
To say that when one contemplates
How she’s performed of late
The words “piss-up” and “brewery” spring to mind.
It’s hardly unexpected
She’s extremely well-connected
And that’s all that matters nowadays, I guess
But it will be a huge mistake
Perhaps the last one that we make
If we let Dido Harding run the NHS.
What do you think? Have your say on this and more by emailing letters@theneweuropean.co.uk
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