It’s time for our own GB News

Hello, good evening/morning/afternoon and welcome to the exciting launch of my very own news channel, MB NEWS!

Yes, like 52% of the GREAT BRITISH PUBLIC (give or take), I have decided that I’ve HAD ENOUGH of being required to listen to views and opinions which do not correspond with my own, carefully preconceived positions. I’m TIRED of being BROWBEATEN and HARANGUED by do-gooders, know it alls, so-called “experts” and all those other puffed-up popinjays who think they’re in some way BETTER THAN THE REST OF US just because they “know” more things than the rest of us do.

In fact, let’s face it, I, like the right-thinking half of the GREAT BRITISH PUBLIC have HAD IT UP TO HERE with being FORCED to ACKNOWLEDGE THE EXISTENCE of people who, through IDLENESS AND COMPLACENCY have somehow turned out not to be EXACTLY LIKE ME.

And so, here at last, we have MB NEWS!! MY news, told BY me, TO me, ABOUT me, and only telling me THE THINGS I WANT TO HEAR. Because for TOO LONG, the voice of the fat, balding middle-aged straight white male has gone UNHEARD in this once-great nation, however loudly I shout at it.

THE TEAM

But it’s not just ME. Heavens no. You can’t launch a whole news network just based on the presence of one sole ex-BBC employee with narcissistic tendencies and a deep abiding love of the sound of his own voice (even if this one DOES admit when his hair’s receding).

I’m gathering together an ELITE TEAM of anyone who’s just been fired for being a complete… – erm, I mean FEARLESSLY INDEPENDENT reporters and correspondents who will FEARLESSLY AND INDEPENDENTLY report the news the way their intended audience (ie. me) wants to hear it. 

At last, these warriors for truth will breathe the clean BRITISH air of balance and fairness and be given free rein to shine the light of NEWS on anything that doesn’t make the wrong people look bad. 

I shall be announcing our star-studded line-up the very INSTANT that one of them replies to my email. I can’t wait to start working with them all as long as they all remember that at no stage is any of them to start thinking that they’re as big a deal as me (sorry Piers mate; get your own channel).

ALL THE GOOD NEWS ABOUT BREXIT!

Yes! Unlike all those doomsayers, naysayers, naydoomers and doomdoomers on the OTHER NEWS channels, MB News will only be bringing you the GOOD NEWS about Brexit! In our regularly scheduled programme, “All The Good News About Brexit”, to be broadcast every third Thursday between 12.00 noon and 12.01pm*! 

*Except on Thursdays

HAVE WE GOT MB NEWS FOR YOU!

It won’t all be deep and weighty topics covered on MB News…. We’ll also be making time for WIT and SATIRE! If, like me, you’re tired of all those WOKE LEFTY comedians constantly being paraded on the LAMESTREAM channels to Trot out (geddit?) their tired, samey, repetitive accurate satirical bits about real things, then just wait till you see what MB News has for you! 

We’ll bring you the very pick of the dozens and dozens of thrusting, vital young comedians who are currently working as The Only Conservative Comic On The Circuit. They’ll finally get the break they deserve, when they, like many comedians before them, realise that the right-on comedy market is completely flooded, there’s a demand for nasty downward-punching humour for the smug boomer audience, and if they pretend to believe all this crap they might finally get on TV.

GOOD NEWS!!

MB NEWS has only just launched and ALREADY we’ve scored a 100% AUDIENCE SHARE among people sitting on my sofa right now!
(Okay technically 50% but my girlfriend is reading her Kindle at the moment so that doesn’t count)

BE A PART OF MB NEWS

In order to keep MB News FEARLESS AND INDEPENDENT from the corrupting influence of the MAINSTREAM MEDIA (boo) we will gladly accept donations from you, the little people. Please make your contributions (cash only) at the offices of our accountants Novikov & Associates (knock on the back door of the Headless Bull pub in Hoxton and ask for Big Sergei or Pavel The Pliers).

THE MB NEWS SONG!

Are you plagued with doubt
Or just plain put out
When you hear opposing views?
Well have no fear
You will only hear
What you want on MB News!

If reality 
Piddles in your tea
Well at last you can refuse
It can do its worst
You’ll be safely immersed
In comforting MB News!

Pick up your remote control and try us!
When you need some confirmation bias!

If you feel attacked
By the awkward facts
That the rest of the media spews
Come feast your eyes
On soothing lies
Right here on MB News!