The Brex Factor: Liam’s dafter brother is gonna Leave Forever

No-one is suggesting that Brexiteers are desperate for some good news, but Daily Telegraph chief political correspondent Christopher Hope appeared to have caught a glimpse of those famous sunlit uplands when he excitedly tweeted ‘Stella is now selling beer in pint cans. Is this the start of the return of imperial measurements post-Brexit?’ Nigel Farage replied: ‘Let’s hope so.’

Sadly for their narrative, pint cans of Stella have been available in the UK since at least 2011, while of course pints of beer have been served in pubs throughout Britain’s UK membership.

9 Priti Patel

The disgraced former international development secretary, fired after holding secret meetings with Benjamin Netanyahu and subsequently suggesting that the UK should give aid to the Israeli army, has changed her Twitter profile to reflect her newly-reduced circumstances.

Patel’s biography now declares she is ‘putting Witham, Essex & Britain first’ – bad news for Netanyahu there. She’s also switched her cover photo to a snap of Margaret Thatcher with Ronald Reagan.

You might remember that The Gipper’s final months as president were dogged by controversy after it was revealed that he’d secretly sent American weapons to Israel as part of the Iran-Contra scandal…

8 Donald Trump

‘Thank you to respected columnist Katie Hopkins for her powerful writing,’ runs the presidential endorsement on the back of Hatey Katie’s latest book. That’s two massive pieces of bollocks in only 11 words – a new record even for Donny!

7 David Davis

It’s been revealed that the Brexit secretary uses a private RAF plane to travel to and from Brussels for EU negotiations, costing taxpayers up to five times as much as regular air travel. That all sounds like a bit of a faff, but give DD a break. It’s not like there are 10 direct trains per day connecting central London to Brussels in only 121 minutes, is it?

6 The Daily Express

The self-styled ‘world’s greatest newspaper’ instructed journalist Jon Rogers to get a comment from Labour’s press office on a news story about the national debt. Rogers fired off a polite email but inadvertently also forwarded an unknown Express editor’s version of what the story should look like, including the instruction ‘let’s def also put the boot into Corbyn (who wants to plunge us into even DEEPER debt) so as the readers are very clear that Labour is NOT the solution!’

Perhaps not surprisingly, Labour declined to comment….

5 Tim Martin

The patron saint of morning drinkers went unchallenged on Radio 4’s Today programme when he declared that the EU had not done a trade deal with any of the top 10 countries in the world outside Europe.

Alas for Mr Wetherspoons, the EU does have deals in place with Canada and Mexico and is currently negotiating with Japan and Australia. Meanwhile it also has 40-odd treaties governing trade in place with the United States and another 30-odd agreed with China.

Has poor Tim been staring into one of his chain’s hallucinogenic carpets for too long? Or is he juts fibbing?

4 Tom Aldridge

The UKIP councillor for Taunton North led a demonstration against anti-Brexit journalist Ian Dunt, who was giving a talk in Bath. Aldridge, who is 88, felt so strongly he arrived brandishing three placards, including ones reading ‘We voted, out now, end of’ and ‘Brexit: Why the hell can’t we just get on with it?’

‘We have had a democratic vote and people just need to listen,’ said Tom, as he explained why he didn’t want people listening to Ian Dunt’s democratic right to express himself.

3 Leo McKinstry

The Daily Express columnist once again failed the Dalek Test (if your work sounds plausibly Dalekian when read out in the voice of Doctor Who’s deadliest enemies, rewrite) with a risible piece arguing that Kremlin-run Tweet factories for Brexit were no worse than Barack Obama touting for Remain in the referendum campaign.

‘The charge of Kremlin interference is used to denigrate Brexiteers and parade the moral superiority of the Remainers,’ wrote Leo, with his single mechanical eyestalk moving up and down in disgust. ‘The anti-Russian propaganda lacks all credibility not only because of its lurid exaggerations and gross distortions but also because it ignores the damage inflicted on our country by the warped priorities of our own state machine.

‘The reality is that Russia represents far less of a threat to us than the macabre ideology of pro-EU, pro-Remain political correctness, which aims to destroy our national culture, identity and heritage.’ Exterminate! Exterminate!

2 Godfrey Bloom

‘There is no austerity, there never has been… THERE IS NO BLOODY AUSTERITY,’ tweeted the former UKIP MEP. Good news, that, for food bank users and zero-hours workers, and quite the most sensible thing Godders has said since February 2012, when he illuminated an EU Parliament debate on sport with a bizarre, slurred question about whether Cambridge University Ladies rugby club should wear their logo on the front of their shirts or the back.

Bloom later admitted to having been ‘drugged up’ on ‘very heavy medication’ at the time, conceding that he had also ‘probably had a couple of beers’. What’s his excuse this time?

1 Noel Gallagher

Could Liam have been the sensible Gallagher brother after all? In his most disappointing public statement since Standing On The Shoulder Of Giants, the former Oasis songwriter and guitarist told music website Noisey that Remainers should acquiesce. Or, as he put it, ‘the Brexit thing… was put to the people as a vote, the people voted. That’s democracy. F**king get over it… The people trying to get the vote overturned, they used to call that fascism.’

In response, a delighted Nigel Farage – not so keen on High Flying but definitely in favour of Birds – called Noel a ‘lad’. Since his long feud with Liam is still unresolved, perhaps Noel could recruit Nigel as guest vocalist on remakes of beloved Oasis tracks, including Some Might Stay, Leave Forever and (What’s The Story) Boring Tory?