Let me be very clear about this – what people on the ground are saying is that the response to our last collection of meaningless political cliches has been world-beating.
These are not ordinary times and we are all in this together. So the fact of the matter is that here is another collection of the meaningless and annoying phrases from which we would all like to move on. I want to be totally transparent, so I’ve also added what they really mean.
I’m sorry if you don’t agree with these difficult choices (and I don’t intend to give a running commentary), but we are where we are – and with all due respect, I’m sure you’ll agree that it is what it is…
“I mis-spoke” I meant to lie more convincingly.
“The prime minister is doing an amazing job under very difficult circumstances” He finds all circumstances so difficult it’s amazing he’s still in a job.
“We are working night and day” I work 9-5, and that is night-time in Australia!
“We are straining every sinew” Along with credibility.
“What I want to focus on…” Is anything other than what you asked me about.
“Before I answer that, just let me say…” I have no intention of ever answering that.
“Well, that’s an excellent question” If I pat you and tickle your tummy, will you please stop growling?
“At this stage, I won’t rule anything in or out” I’ve actually ruled something very unpleasant in, and I’m desperate to stop it getting out.
“I can’t comment on a fluid situation” Let’s ban the northerners from drinking alcoholic fluids!
“We are wrapping our arms around the hospitality industry” Wrapping them around its neck, very tightly… tighter… tighter…
“That’s above my pay grade” I won’t answer that until I’m prime minister.
“I won’t comment on individual cases” I’m prime minister now and I’m still not answering it.
“Our message is very simple” Just like you voters!
“It should be a no-brainer” Just like you voters!
“Let me at this stage be absolutely open and honest” There’s a first time for everything.
“What I want to say to you is this…” Yes, I’m time-wasting, but can time spent listening to me be truly wasted?
“We’re taking a granular approach” I’m having granular for breakfast now! It’s so much nicer than muesli!
“Everything is still on the table” Except the muesli!
Quiz: 55 amazing facts about British prime ministers
The quotes that prove Project Fear was right all along
“I won’t get into hypotheticals” Can you imagine what would happen if I did?
“Completely unprecedented” Completely precedented.
“We won’t change horses in mid-stream” Who the hell puts horses in a stream anyway?
“We still have a wide range of excellent options available to us” These include resignation, getting arrested and faking our own deaths.
“What I’ve said all along is…” There’s no record of me actually saying it, but I definitely definitely did, just very quietly.
“What the British people want is…” I know, as I’ve asked all 67,985,231 of them individually.
“We have invested more than any government…” That is currently in power in the United Kingdom.
“This is going to take time” Enough time for you all to forget how badly we’ve cocked it up.
“We’re taking a deep dive into the statistics” Followed by a deep dive in the polls and a deep dive back under the covers.
“We’re reaching out” Please be taken in.
“We’re drilling down” And cocking up.
“There are no easy answers” Apart from this one.
“It’s under constant review” And we’re constantly deciding to do nothing about it.
“We’re taking it on board” I really love being on boards!
“A cast-iron guarantee” It’s even got a copper bottom.
“Look…” You’re such an idiot you won’t notice I actually mean “listen”.
“So…” In fact, I’m going to stop using long words like “look”.
“The bottom line is…” The next line is coming right out of my bottom.
“Fake news” Real news.
“The truth is…” Not this.
“This government remains hugely committed” And if you really believe that, it’s you who should be committed…
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