Artisanal cokehead Rishi Sunak’s fake man of the people act exposed

Rishi Sunak, who followed up last week’s excruciating “I’m just a guy, standing in front of a country, commending my budget to the House” video with an equally bizarre sequel in which he was interviewed by a couple of utterly bewildered-looking schoolboys. 

At one point, Rishi declared himself a “coke addict”. After an agonising couple of seconds (during which poor Michael Gove wondered if there was NOTHING that could just be His Thing), Rishi hurriedly clarified that it was the fizzy drink to which he was referring, bemoaning the deleterious effect upon his teeth and adding that Mexican Coke is the best because it’s still made with cane sugar rather than high-fructose corn syrup.

Because nothing says “man of the people” like having rarified tastes in Coca-Cola. Well, that and awarding nurses a real-terms pay cut in the middle of the biggest public health crisis in a century.

FAKE-OUT OF THE WEEK, PART 1

The appearance this week on video-sharing social network TikTok of eerily convincing Tom Cruise “deepfakes” – videos which appear to show the actor addressing the camera but which actually feature a Tom Cruise impersonator with Cruise’s real features digitally mapped over his own – has sparked a long-overdue discussion on the potential malicious misuse of this technology.

Interestingly, the “deepfakes” appear to show Cruise looking much as he did around 20 years ago, so the first person to find a practical use for Tom Cruise deepfakes may in fact be Tom Cruise.

FAKE-OUT OF THE WEEK, PART 2 

A pair of YouTube pranksters succeeded in getting a quartet of royal ‘experts’ to give reviews of the When Oprah Met Harry & Meghan interview three days before anyone had seen it.

Though the pundits had been told that their comments would be broadcast immediately after the interview, they were in fact released right away, exposing the fact that the experts – including a former press secretary to the Queen – were happy to express apparently very strident opinions on a programme that neither they nor anyone else had actually seen yet. 

I say “apparently”, as by an extraordinary coincidence, before I or anyone else had heard their statements, I already knew that I didn’t give a toss what they thought. 

CONCERTED EFFORT TO PUT SATIRISTS OUT OF BUSINESS OF THE WEEK

The Society Of Editors UK who, in the wake of the aforementioned Harry & Megan bombshellathon, issued a statement saying, among other things: “The UK media is not bigoted and will not be swayed from holding the rich and powerful to account following the attack on the press by the Duke and Duchess of Sussex.”

Okay, guys… on behalf of satirists everywhere: WE’LL DO THE JOKES. I get that you have to make some kind of response but there’s no need to descend into self-parody. It’s undignified and frankly, it throws up demarcation issues.

We don’t tell tabloid editors how to go through people’s bins, spread suspicion of minorities and poor people, or monster whichever harmless celeb happens to wander in front of their crosshairs, so don’t you start trying to go all post-modern and meta on us. Stay in your extremely desirable tree-lined lane.

BIGGEST LAUGH OF THE WEEK

The smug guffaws of “the rich and powerful” upon reading the above statement by the Society of Editors UK.

SECOND BIGGEST LAUGH OF THE WEEK

The bitter, rueful chuckles of literally everyone else upon reading the above statement by the Society of Editors UK.

SELF-WRITING JOKE OF THE WEEK

Amazon has opened its first-ever walk-in grocery store in London. There are no tills, no cashiers, no self check-out, you just stroll in, help yourself to whatever you like and leave without paying.

Apparently, Jeff Bezos got the idea while doing his tax return.

Thank you, I’m here all week, remember to tip your waitress.

POEM OF THE WEEK

Feeling happy inside
Down the road I will stride
With a smile you’d describe as serene
Stay out of my way
‘Cos today is the day
That I get my Covid vaccine

Just for today
I don’t care what they say
About Brexit or fish or the Queen
I will roll up my sleeve
And I’ll say “I believe
It’s my turn for the Covid vaccine”

Though the needle will sting
I won’t care ‘bout a thing
(On injections I’ve never been keen)
I will let out a chortle
And feel quite immortal
And full of the Covid vaccine 

And although it’s too soon
To believe I’m immune
And for most of my life I have been
Somewhat timid and feckless 
I might get quite reckless
Dosed up on the Covid vaccine 

I may fail to conceal
The fact that I feel
Indestructible like Wolverine
There’s a decent chance I
Might decide I can’t die
Once I’m high on the Covid vaccine 

So if there’s a report
That a large hairy sort
Caused an ugly regrettable scene
Don’t be worried you see
It’s just little old me
Tripping out on the Covid vaccine 

What do you think? Have your say on this and more by emailing letters@theneweuropean.co.uk