The Brex Factor: DD thinks he’s a hero but really knows zero

Spotted in Hong Kong by Tim Freeman… because nothing screams ‘I’m taking back control from the moneyed elite’ more than a personalised numberplate on a £100,000 Aston Martin parked in a tax haven.

HENRY BOLTON

The former UKIP leader has discovered his new party One Nation shares its name not only with an Australian far-right group but with a disaster relief charity whose mission statement – ‘whoever saved a life, it would be as if they saved the life of all mankind’ – is a quote from the Koran. Brex Factor suggests Henry change the name of his organisation to One Nation Under A Groove, but we’re not sure how well it will go down with Jo Marney.

STEPHEN GLOVER

If you thought the weirdest Daily Mail article published recently was the one claiming that all Kate Middleton’s fingers are all exactly the same size, think again. Glover, 66, weighed in with a 1,250-word rant revealing he was leading one-man boycotts of airlines Lufthansa and Ryanair because their chief executives had said beastly things about Brexit.

Glover called the latter’s CEO Michael O’Leary a ‘bumptious Irishman’ who was ‘presumptuous… to play such a high-profile role in the referendum campaign’. Yeah, because apart from the hard border row, the tariffs and the whole return of political instability thing, what’s Brexit got to do with anyone from the Republic?

GERARD BATTEN

UKIP’s interim leader has invited Gloucester ‘Kippers to a ‘Brexit buffet’ at the city’s Old Bell Inn on March 20.

But has anyone checked the menu?

The 17th century pub has had a revamp and its Tiger’s Eye restaurant now serves up traditional British fayre like Cajun fried crickets, haunch of zebra and fluffy Asian buns, all of which the Brexiteers may find hard to stomach…

NIGEL FARAGE

Showed his ability to unite people from all different walks of life when he was called ‘a pissweasel’ by agit-rockers Rage Against The Machine after appropriating their name for the title of his new podcast and a ‘total nuclear-powered chateau-bottled twat’ by Tory MP and Churchill grandson Nicholas Soames for promoting it.

As far as Farage insults go, we’re sticking with ‘nicotine-stained man-frog’ – unless Brex Factor readers can come up with anything even better…

THE DAILY EXPRESS

Half an hour into her Question Time debut, structural engineer Roma Agrawal was asked about Brexit. She replied: ‘I am fed up of politicians… what I really want to see is a vision from both the big parties telling me why my life is going to be better outside the EU and I am absolutely not convinced at this point in time.’

Here’s how the Express’ live QT blog reported that: ‘23.16pm: Roma Agrawal has called for the country to get behind Brexit.

‘The structural engineer has said she is bored of politicians arguing between themselves over Brexit. She’s called for consensus so that Brexit can be made a success.’

DAVID KURTEN

September 2017: Senior ‘Kipper Kurten gives a speech blasting ‘snowflake culture’, saying that if people hear something which offends them they should simply ‘leave the room and go to a safe space’.

March 2018: After hearing something he finds offensive – Vince Cable’s speech at the Lib Dem spring conference – Kurten reports Cable to the Metropolitan Police for an alleged hate crime.

ROGER HELMER

‘I am profoundly supportive of the transatlantic alliance and of a future US/UK trade deal,’ the former UKIP MEP tweeted but American ‘Scotch’ Whisky and American ‘Cornish’ pasties are a step too far. They would amount to deliberate misrepresentation.’

Well indeed. Thankfully cheap and nasty knock-off US versions of traditional British fare can’t be sold in the UK at present because they have protected statuses thanks to the EU – exactly the sort of ‘Brussels red tape’ Roger and his pals have been railing against for years. Still, Roger could always launch his own Brexiteer Pasty – a crusty exterior containing thick mince and a load of vegetables.

PHILIP DAVIES

Showing a keen sense of perspective, the Shipley MP was revealed to have compared allowing EU citizens free movement in the UK during a two-year transitional phase after Brexit with the appeasement of Hitler before the Second World War.

In a WhatsApp message to fellow members of the European Research Group last September, Davies moaned: ‘It is pathetic… a modern-day Chamberlain.’ Davies, whose subsequent messages included one dubbing Tory Remainers ‘condescending arseholes’, has also been accused of shoving a female comedian who was interviewing him for a BBC show.

In a twist which will delight believers in karma, it is said he is shortly to marry the delightful Work and Pensions Secretary Esther McVey.

DAVID DAVIS

‘Both the UK and Malta have services at the heart of our economies, so a bespoke free trade deal that includes zero tariffs on services is in our mutual interest,’ wrote DD in the Times Of Malta newspaper.

It’s quite depressing to have to point out that tariffs on services don’t exist anywhere in the world.

But how can David Davis be expected to know incidental details like that? He’s only the Brexit secretary.