9 Christmas songs re-written with a Brexit twist

Are you banging your poor head against the wall?

It’s the time that Jacob Rees-Mogg has a ball

Does his nanny always tell him

That the old songs are the best?

So he’s humming Rule Britannia in his vest

So here it is, Merry Brexit

And nobody’s having fun

Look to the future, how?

There really isn’t one-oooo-ne

I WISH IT COULD BE CHRISTMAS EVERYDAY

Oh I wish I could be just like Mrs May

When she keeps repeating all the same things everyday

Oh I wish I could be just like Mrs May

Get the soundbites out for Christmas

I BELIEVE IN FATHER CHRISTMAS

They sold me a dream of Brexit

They said it would all be right

And they told me a fairy story

They told me a load of shite

And I believed in a no-deal Brexit

And I looked in the Sun with excited eyes

‘Till I woke with a yawn and saw a unicorn

But it was just a donkey in disguise

MORE: The Great Christmas Song Book 2017 including adaptations of Mistletoe and Wine, Fairytale of New York and Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer

JINGLE BELLS

Jingo bells, jingo bells

Jingo all the way,

Oh what fun it is to be

Outfoxed by Barnier

HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS

Have yourself an Irish backstop Christmas

Keep the borders light

From now on The Troubles won’t be out of sight

Have yourself an Irish backstop Christmas

Screw the GFA

From now on The Troubles won’t be miles away

WHITE CHRISTMAS

I’m dreaming of a white paper

With Javid’s immigration plans

Where the Poles are banished and also vanished

Are migrants who don’t earn 30 grand

DRIVING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS

I’m not driving home for Christmas

Oh, I won’t get to see those faces

We drove right off the cliff-edge

And it’s not proving to be fine

It shouldn’t take so long

But Brexit spoiled it

Pretty soon I’ll need

The portable toilet

Sleeping in my lorry

On the M20 for Christmas

ROCKING AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE

Rockin’ around the empty shelves

At the Brexit local shop

Gristle-filled pies are all you see

And a roadkill badger chop

Rockin’ around the empty shelves

Let the Brexit spirit ring

Later we’ll have a rat or two

And eat Spam out of the tin

DO THEY KNOW IT’S CHRISTMAS?

It’s Brexit time, there’s no need to be afraid

At Brexit time, we won’t need French or Spanish trade

And in our world of plenty we can say a word of thanks

So ‘well done’ to Facebook and to Arron Banks

But say a prayer, pray for our former mates

At Brexit time, thank God that we’re out the gates

There’s a world inside the EU

And it’s a world of dread and fear

Where the only liquids flowing

Are Jean-Claude Juncker’s beers

And when he met Theresa May, he called her nebulous

Let’s run him over in our Brexit bus!

No we won’t send dough to Africa this Brexit time

The furthest foreign aid now goes is Fife

We might all be on the dole

But we’re taking back control

Do they know it’s Brexit time at all?

Here’s to you

Raise a glass to Liam Fox

Still employed

Even though he’s off his box

Do they know it’s Brexit time at all?

BLUE CHRISTMAS

I’ll have a blue passport without you

I’ll be so blue just thinking about you

You can fly off to France and spend Christmas in Paree

Not quite the same dear, here in Leigh-on Sea

And unlike all you lucky EU geezers

We’re facing queues and seven-euro visas

It’ll still be a thrill, spending holidays in Rhyl

But I’ll have a blue, blue useless passport

MORE: The Great Christmas Song Book 2017 including adaptations of Mistletoe and Wine, Fairytale of New York and Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer