The erstwhile health secretary turned CCTV lothario last week managed to get himself fired from a job he hadn’t actually taken up yet.
It caused surprise when it was revealed that the member for West Suffolk would be engaged as “UN special representative on financial innovation and climate change for the United Nations Economic Commission for Africa”. It caused altogether less surprise when just three days later, the appointment was withdrawn, apparently because Hancock’s determination to carry on serving as an MP broke UN rules.
This, in turn, raises the fascinating question of just WHY Matt is so determined to retain his seat in parliament, given that these days, he must feel about as welcome as a cheesewire thong.
Here are some other roles that would surely suit his talents more than just being a mere backbencher…
REALITY TV STAR
You CANNOT tell me that some indie production company hasn’t already pitched this to Channel 5 at some point in the last few months, and, after this latest twist surely such a show would be greenlit faster than the Monaco Grand Prix.
Who wouldn’t want to be a fly on the wall as Matt tries to patch things up with constituents, negotiate his romantic life and keep his chin up as his career prospects recede faster than his hairline (you can talk – ED)?
It could be the first-ever co-production between BBC Parliament and the Bravo network. That’s our Matt; still bringing people together.
SITCOM STAR
Just in case the networks pass on the reality idea, you could take it up a notch, get some writers in (waves) and script The Further Adventures Of Matt Hancock, starring the lad himself. The viewers would watch in their millions to see that boyish, bashful face as this week’s awkward situation presents itself.
There are so many titles to choose from: Going Off At Half Hancock; Some Mothers Do ‘Ancock; Hancock’s Half Hour (been done – ED)…
SECRET AGENT
They’re looking for a new James Bond right now, but I’m not suggesting Matt Hancock become a MOVIE secret agent; I’m suggesting he become the real thing. Assuming, of course he hasn’t already…
What if this unending sequence of career-trashing mishaps is a cunning smokescreen? What if he’s repeatedly humiliating himself as part of an elaborate cover story?
He’d be the perfect double agent; he could pretend to “go over” to the other side, citing his apparently legitimate grudge against the British establishment as motivation while all the time channeling information back to Her Majesty’s Secret Service (whether this is true or not, I’m DEFINITELY writing this novel)…
Besides, disguising devious intent behind a facade of blithering incompetence seems to be very much in vogue in UK politics just now.
DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA
It’s just around the corner, and once suitably be-fatsuited and embeardened I reckon Matt would make a pretty fine Santa, don’t you?
He’s got the twinkly eyes, he could probably do the Ho Ho Ho’s with a bit of practice and, most importantly, he’s got plenty of experience in giving stuff away.
Which reminds me…
PPE SUPPLIER
No, you’re right, he has no background in medical equipment manufacturing, much professional understanding of the necessary minimum standards which protective equipment must meet, nor indeed the connections required to source these items in great numbers, let alone the resources or capital necessary to produce them himself.
But hey, neither did many of the acquaintances Matt and chums lashed out multi-million pound contracts to last year…
And if one highly questionable good turn doesn’t deserve another, what’s the point in even BEING a Tory politician, right?
OR IF ALL ELSE FAILS:
Whatever job Chris Grayling has been fired from this week.
POEM OF THE WEEK
William Shatner went to space
Took a look back at the place
Saw our earth from up on high
Came back down and had a cry.
Why did Jeff Bezos, wealthy jerk
Break the heart of Captain Kirk?
But Bill was shedding tears of awe
At going where few have gone before.
